Randy's Travel Tips: The People You Meet, p. 4

Travel Partners -- Partners from Home

Travel companions can be a great comfort and convenience, as well as a hell of a lot of fun. If you already have a strong relationship with someone, then you won't want to go without them. If you manage to find someone from home who is willing to head out with you for a good trip, and if you can agree upon the duration, style, destinations, and activities of your travels, then go for it. But also be aware of the responsibilities and potential pitfalls of being tied to one person through the thick and thin of a long trip. If you do leave alone, rest assured you will be able to find a few worthy companions along the way to share your travels with.

When you travel with someone, you must cooperate with each other 24 hours a day, cold or hungry, tired or sick, frustrated or insecure, afraid or angry. And you must deal with each other in these imperfect conditions and moods much more often than you would in your well-regulated lives at home. Compared to traveling together, married life is a casual relationship. If you travel with a close friend for any length of time, you will learn more about each other than you might see in a lifetime at home, sometimes more than you really care to know.

More than two people can travel together, but once you get above three, it becomes unwieldy as a long-term arrangement, unless you are already a close family. The larger the group you travel with, the more you depend on each other for companionship, and the more you set yourselves apart from others. When you see a group of six compatriots laughing and joking at a cafe, you will rarely feel welcome to join them; it would be intruding on their own private party. It becomes very difficult for any of them to break out and meet local people individually. You have already noticed that a single tourist is accepted much differently than a bus load; the same principle applies when you increase the number of your traveling group.

If you plan to start with four or more people, definitely allow room for splitting up, at least temporarily, along the way. I once met five Canadian men traveling together. Five was just a ridiculous number for rooms, tables, taxis, everything. Eventually they split into ones and twos and kept in touch.

Emotional Conflicts

Any two people can have disagreements and arguments from time to time. When you spend 24 hours a day traveling together for any length of time, the likelihood increases. When you are subject to stress and insecurity and your own emotions come to the surface, watch out! If you travel with a partner you have known well at home, your immediate relationship may have undergone some changes as well. One, or even both of you may feel more dependent in the relationship than you did at home. Roles change when one person becomes the "leader" because he or she speaks the local language better.

Among the disagreements that can easily lead to conflicts are different spending levels, and the sharing of money. Unless you are already sharing all your money at home, it is best to keep it separate. To avoid constantly passing money around, just tally the common account -- usually just hotels, cafes, and perhaps transport -- at the end of each day or two, before you forget. Even then, people who want to spend different amounts of money for these expenses will have conflicts.

Don't tempt fate. The more hard traveling you do together, the harder it is on both of you. Meet other travelers to spice up your life. Another good reason for rest stops -- like spending a week or two at a traveler's beach hangout -- is to spend some time on your own, meet new people, and feel less dependent on each other. Combined with the emotional boost of rest and relaxation, and feeling in control of your environment, this may help ease any tensions you have been sharing.

I can't pretend to be an expert on counseling, so I won't attempt to tell you exactly how to deal with emotional conflicts, except to remind you that talking about them is essential to the survival of your relationship! You will have times of emotional friction; count on it! These are the hardest times to talk with someone, but you must learn to make the effort. The first step is to recognize that you are both subject to emotional and physical stresses and try not to take emotional outbursts too personally. Don't hold a grudge, talk about it, as calmly and rationally as you can.

Relationship Crisis!

The emotional cauldron of travel can bring out basic differences and incompatibilities with your traveling partner that you had not acknowledged before. Don't go traveling with someone you care about very much, unless you are prepared to deal openly with these crises and their consequences! Traveling together is the acid test. People who have been married for years have seen their relationship go up in flames of anger and resentment on a long hard trip. Life at home is not only less challenging, but you spend only a part of each day together; you have your own work, friends, hobbies, and experiences.

On the other hand, traveling together can greatly deepen your understanding and appreciation of your partner's emotions and behavior. And you get plenty of practice at confronting emotional conflicts. If you can travel together successfully, there is nothing in life you cannot face together.

Travel partners sometimes agree to split up and travel alone for awhile, meeting again in a week or three. This can be a refreshing change in your travels whether or not you are showing signs of friction. Take a vacation from each other and get a new perspective on travel by going it alone for a while. Meet new people, do things exactly the way you like to do them, and have your own personal experiences. If you disagree about where to go next, split up and go the beach for a while, while your partner climbs another damn volcano. When you get back together, you will have personal stories and insights of your own to share. Think about it. If you leave home with a close friend, you should discuss in advance the possibilities of splitting up along the way, if only for a few days at a time. It is much better to have already discussed, or even planned for this possibility, rather than springing it on them in the heat of an emotional crisis.

Many partnerships are unequal -- one is a seasoned traveler, and the other a dependent follower who would never go traveling on their own. You should recognize when this situation exists and realize that you are inexorably tied together from the time you leave until the time you return home. There will be no splitting up along the way, not even for a week. As long as you acknowledge this situation and accept responsibility for it, there is no reason you cannot have a good trip. But if you do have problems, you will be dealing with them all, or returning home, together.

Traveling with Children

As you can imagine, traveling with children is an entirely different experience from traveling without them. Western children, especially those with fair hair, are still rarely seen in many parts of the Third World and will make you popular celebrities and dinner guests. It's still like the difference between a romantic evening at a nice restaurant and taking the kids out to eat. But, as a parent, you are used to that and you probably wouldn't want to go without them. Many people have done it before you.

I am out of my area of expertise here, so I will recommend a couple of good references for those travelers who will be taking their children along. Travel with Children, by Maureen (with Tony) Wheeler comes from the perspective of backpack travelers, and is well-recommended. Adventuring with Children, by Nan Jeffrey, also covers quite a bit of traveling in the Third World with children. It is a larger book and discusses bicycling, boating, and driving with children as well as backpacking, and has thorough sections on traveling with infants, education, and what to take.

Lovers and Others

If you will be traveling with your spouse or regular lover, you won't have more than that one loving relationship to worry about on the Road. For unattached travelers, there may well be the thought of a romantic interlude or two along the way.

Loving Travelers

Personally, I find that travel is not generally as sexy an experience for unattached travelers as might be imagined. It definitely has its moments, but depending on where you go, they can be few and far between. Of course, if you are just looking for romance, you can head to popular tourist hangouts -- where hundreds of travelers and tourists gather on beaches, in bars, and even discos -- and just stay there. You will eventually (or regularly) meet someone who is as interested as you are in falling in love, or at least into bed.

You will definitely meet hundreds of interesting travelers along the way, and some of them will be attractive to you, even in their unkempt travel state. If you make an effort to become friends with the people you like, and if the stars are all aligned, you can certainly meet some wonderful partners on the Road, and enjoy their company for months, if not forever. The practicalities of travel are just not as conducive to romance as living at home. Naturally, as at home, much of it depends on your own moods and priorities. Lonely travelers often need a good friend more than a lover, but some men will continue to pursue their habitual pastime of pursuing women. Women travelers are often fed up with sexual advances from locals, and not in much of a mood to look for casual romance.

You, or your potential lover may already be traveling with a companion; getting together, or traveling together could easily upset your current travel relationships. Quite often you are already sharing a room, or living in a dormitory. Then come the common discomforts of diarrhea, sunburn, insect bites, inadequate plumbing, noisy beds, paper-thin walls, and finally, hundreds of prying eyes. Of course, if you are both eager to form a relationship, these should prove no barrier. The general travel scene is just more conducive to friendly groups of travelers communing together, than to pairing off for casual sex.

On the other hand, sex could strike when you least expect it. Trusting men and women will sometimes share a room together -- perhaps after arriving on the same bus -- without any thoughts of a relationship, as I have done many times. Suddenly, (this part does not happen many times), both of you are overcome with uncontrollable loneliness (lust), and you form a union that may last until you realize that you don't really care for each other, or until the next bus leaves. This is perhaps not the tropical romance you had dreamed of, but it seems to serve a function.

If you meet a male traveler along the way and consider having a relationship with him, you should know if he has recently been in The Philippines, Thailand, Taiwan, or Africa. These areas are not only rife with prostitution but also with some very virulent and deadly sexually transmitted diseases. Naturally, anyone taking such a chance could just as easily pass it along to the next person, so men should be wary of the recent exploits of their potential partners, as well. Be sure and be safe. When passion prevails, always practice safe sex with any new partners.

Loving Locals -- For Women

Western women will not have much trouble finding willing men, if they are looking for local romance. Most often, your problems are exactly the opposite, but some western women are attracted to local men, or to a particular local man, and end up having a relationship of some kind. Most of these relationships are only casual, and that is just as well, since the chances of their making a successful marriage are on the other side of zero. (Well, maybe it did happen once or twice.)

Just because these relationships are casual (or certainly appear to be), it certainly does not do much for the woman's reputation, or that of other western women who come after her. Perhaps it was only a story I heard in Malaysia some years ago about the two young European women (or was it Australians) who traveled down the east coast making extra money for their travels by prostituting themselves to any man who brought enough money to their hotel rooms. If you think that I'm giving a bad name to women travelers, then you can imagine the effects of having casual relationships with local men. I certainly won't tell you not to enjoy yourself -- men certainly can! -- but realize the effects that it can have, if only for your own personal safety. You may soon be expected to sleep with every guy in town!

Be aware that it is not uncommon in the Third World for men who can afford it (and it is not very expensive) to regularly visit prostitutes, and there is the real danger of disease. This is especially true in Africa and Latin America, but also to so some extent in Asia. If you meet a middle-class Latin American who says he has never been with a prostitute, don't believe him. His father took him in for his introductory lesson when he was 14 or 15 years old! Make sure you bring or buy your own condoms if you anticipate having a sexual relationship with any new man, local or otherwise. Also refer to my section on Safety and Security, under "Security for Women Travelers" for more about local Lotharios.

Loving Locals -- for Men

Male travelers will have many opportunities to have sex with locals in the Third World, but almost exclusively with prostitutes. In some places they will come pounding on your door in the night. This happened to my girlfriend and I in Bangkok; they didn't care what the situation was, as long as they could get some business. Actually, the sex-club scenes in Manila and Bangkok are a very interesting part of the "new" culture, and I recommend that both men and women take a peek inside, preferably in each other's company. You will be amazed, but don't drink too much, and don't let yourself be taken into the business end of it, unless it is definitely what you had in mind. Robbery is a popular side-business, so this is one situation to leave your valuables behind in a very safe place, especially if you intend to participate.

In some places it seems very acceptable, and almost expected, for western men to take prostitutes traveling with them for a few weeks, paying all the expenses, plus a small "bar fine" to their employer. It sounds like a lot of fun, but often it is not. You set yourself far, far apart from the local people, and from other travelers. Usually the "girls" will get together and chat all afternoon and evening while the "boys" look for male company of their own until bedtime. It looks like a very lonely experience to me.

The biggest problem is disease. A few years ago, the worst situations could be taken care of with a big dose of penicillin. Things are very different today, and you are playing with lives (your own!) when you take this kind of chance with a prostitute. That sobering thought should be enough to discourage men who are simply feeling curious for the excitement of this "exotic" experience (usually much more exotic than erotic). Also remember that any chances you take will also effect your future partners. You must be honest with any new partner about your recent sexual activities. Consider this before taking the plunge. If you have to lie about visiting prostitutes, then lie to your buddies and tell them you did! If you must, use condoms at all times, and wash yourself thoroughly afterwards. Then pray.

If you stay in any one place for very long, especially if you work there, you may find some local women (not necessarily prostitutes) falling in love with you. This is partly due to your incredible charm and personal charisma. The other part is that marriage to a western man is a common woman's only ticket to a life of modern luxury for herself and her family. This doesn't mean that she is insincere, it just means that if you renounced your citizenship and took up residence in her country, she might suddenly lose interest in you.

Homosexual Relationships

I mention this to show that I have not forgotten gay travelers. Although I really have no information for you myself, I can recommend several books about gay travelers, resources, and meeting places around the world. Spartacus, International Gay Guide, by Bruno Gmunder is the definitive gay guidebook to most anyplace in the world. It is aimed primarily at men and covers locations, beaches, hotels, and hangouts in five languages, simultaneously.

"Are You Two... Together?", by Lindsy Van Gelder and Pamela Robin Brandt is a gay and lesbian guide to Europe. "Our World -- The International Gay Travel Magazine, is published twelve times a year ($44); if you can't find it in Peoria or Pretoria, write them at 1104 North Nova Rd., Suite 251, Daytona Beach, Florida, 32117.

I can say that homosexuality is not uncommon around the world, and men will occasionally be approached by local men who do not appear at all gay. If you are not interested, just keep this in mind before accepting invitations that may lead to a confrontation. Also be aware that in some countries, men wearing shorts, jewelry, earrings, (or in Brazil, even corduroy trousers) may be assumed to be gay, and could find themselves more popular than they expected.

In many parts of the world you will see men walking hand in hand; this is a common expression of friendship and does not mean that they are homosexuals. My favorite image of this kind is of two tough-looking, middle-aged, and pot-bellied Thai policemen -- replete with hand guns and billy clubs -- who met to chat on the streets of Bangkok. They were laughing and joking, obviously enjoying some spicy tale, and they held each other's hand throughout the animated conversation.

[Continued on next page...]

Randy's Travel Page ..... People Table of Contents ........... Next Page